For the first time in my life I have no life plan, and the thought of that is paralysing me with fear.
I keep telling myself that when I get a graduate job, or when my love life fixes itself or when my money issues fix themselves I’ll be happy. If only I had this.
Whereas in reality nothing will fix itself unless I fix it – although there are some things which are out with my control.
I apply for jobs but can’t fix that until someone decides to hire me (luckily for me I had the forethought to graduate in journalism, the only sector of the job market which isn’t improving.)
Love life can’t fix itself because I can’t move past a guy who I can’t even reach the first date stage with. He’s so full of promises and maybe’s and hope, but when push comes to shove he can’t clear an afternoon to spent time with me, yet can manage to clear a week and a half to spent on holiday with his supposed ex. And we know how this ends – I’m a speed bump in their story, she’s not one in mine. But moving on is easier said than done.
And as for money – I’d genuinely like to know the banks opinion on their thinking I have the ability to pay back bank charges when I don’t have the financial capability to stay out of arrears (this is without any spending above repaying debt cause by the aforementioned degree).
I want to crawl away into a cave and just sleep for a few weeks and awaken to find all my problems have been solved – or wake in Disney, which is really the closest thing.
Or just take what little money I have left and go somewhere where no one knows who I am.
This is the first thing I have managed to bring myself to write since I finished my dissertation, regardless of the countless fleeting ideas which have crossed my mind.
I just feel so…empty. Not in a depressed state, more in a defeated way. Knowing you’re going to be in the same town, same job probably for the next 50-years. It’s enough to make me feel like I’m suffocating.